The real job of Dads

Aira    Featured Post     Dad, daughter, Father, feelings, parenting, real job of Dad, son

Do you know what is the real job of Dads? A dad’s primary, underlying job isn’t control. It’s to validate every one of his children. It means to let your child know over and over and over, through words and actions, that this is true,  “Hey, you exist and you matter to me.”,  “You’re good enough.”, “You’re an okay kid.”

It’s the idea that children get their earliest, most lasting impressions of who they are from what’s reflected back to them by their parents. These impressions become those “records” in the jukebox of your child’s brain.

Validation doesn’t mean lying. It doesn’t mean telling me, “Great game, son!” when I really played poorly.  Just as validation has nothing to do with control, it has no relation to being a “softie” as a parent. You can be firm and strong and still validate your child. It means acknowledging your son or daughter, certifying his or her existence, affirming the person apart from the not-so-good performance.

Some fathers go to the opposite extreme, withholding validation when kids don’t “measure up.” Our culture is so conditional in its validation — affirming only those who’ve won fame or fortune, or been born (or surgically assisted) with “good” looks — that the same approach often creeps into our parenting. It’s easy for a man to validate a good performance; it takes a lot more time and energy to see and value the human being in the absence of any performance and put it into words.

A dad’s biggest job is to relinquish that kind of control and affirm that the existence of each of his children, with or without any great (or poor) performance, is acceptable. If you’re a father, recognize that each of your children is worthy of being alive. You may know that, but each of your children needs to hear it from you.

Value that child as a person, even when disciplining an action or attitude. Make sure your child knows he or she is good enough for you. Otherwise, when that tree falls in the forest, the silence will be deafening.  The best time to begin validating is the day you bring your baby home from the hospital. Parenting a teenager begins when he or she is born.

When he or she is born. Really.  But it’s never too late to start. Do it often enough to cut a record in your teen’s jukebox that says, “I’m okay. I’m good enough.” If you can do that, trying to compensate with control won’t be such a temptation.

If you enjoyed this article please consider sharing it!